Is Love Ever Wrong?

Love “does not insist on its own way” (1 Cor. 13:5).

My wife and I recently watched a movie that won many awards. The acting in the movie proved worthy of its acclaim. The moral of the movie was another matter. The main message was, “When it comes to love, be true to yourself, no matter the cost.” The movie portrayed the main character sympathetically, despite the fact that, in the name of love, he destroyed his marriage and family and horribly damaged his daughter’s life. The cost, as it turned out, was paid mostly by others.

Is this love? The Bible calls it by its true name: “self-love.” Scripture assumes that we love ourselves. We naturally “cherish” our bodies so that we feed and clothe ourselves and guard our health, outwardly and inwardly (Eph. 5.28). This basic instinct for self-preservation is so strong that it provides a measure for how we love our neighbor (Lev. 19:18; Matt. 22:39). Yet, the Bible says that this self-regard can become excessive and descend into twisted forms of self-absorption and self-indulgence. This perverted self-love says, “What’s really important is my agenda, my goals, and my feelings, not yours.” In the words of Ayn Rand, “The world revolves around me.” Self-love insists on its own way. If its demands are not met, that’s when the pouting, whining, and tantrums begin. But that’s not where it ends. Self-love wants more.

Such a person’s “needs” (especially in the name of “love”) are raised above the needs of others, no matter how inconvenient, unpleasant, or harmful they are to others. Self-love elbows itself into a conversation, monopolizes the time, and demands the spotlight, even if it means crassly hijacking another’s moment of honor. Like Cupid, it is a childish predator and hardly cares if others have to pay the cost for what it fancies. Not surprisingly, the Bible says that the more we love ourselves, the less able we are to love others (2 Tim. 3:2–4). Self-love does not see them. It is near-sighted.

If you attempt to find fault with the reckless actions of this so-called love, you may hear the response, “But I must be true to myself”—which means being your worst self. This is a deluded form of love. It is often pursued under the pretense of “it’s OK as long as nobody gets hurt.” But it rarely sees the damage it causes. Anyone who has walked through the dark valley of the broken heart knows that such words are the convenient lie of self-love. When a Hollywood celebrity was challenged on his romantic relationship with his girlfriend’s young daughter, his answer was: “The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to those things. You meet someone, and you fall in love, and that’s that.” If asked the question, “Is love ever wrong?” the answer is, “Yes, when it leaves behind a trail of carnage.”

God says that love “does not insist on its own way” (1 Cor. 13:5). Love is not self-seeking. Real love does not have to have its own way because it does not live unto itself. It reins in selfish desires because it seeks a more noble purpose. The love that God acclaims denies itself, even when it has legitimate claims, needs, or rights. Love does not live to gratify itself at the expense of others. The love that emulates Christ is guided by these words:

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Phil. 2:3–4)

Christ calls us to follow Him by denying ourselves and taking up our cross. This fulfills our great purpose, which is to love God and to love our neighbor as ourselves (Matt. 22:37–39). Love seeks the good of others, brings them joy, and builds them up. It asks: “What will encourage them? What will strengthen or comfort them? What will build them up or bring about peace?”

John Calvin wrote that self-denial is the sum of the Christian life. It is a life contrary to self-love. Christ said, “Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life” (John 12:25). This means that self-love seeks to possess what it cannot keep in the end. Self-denial lays hold of what it cannot lose—namely, Christ. As the martyred missionary Jim Eliot said, “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” This is the love that wins in the end. It is loving others as Christ has loved us.

Christ does not ask anything of His disciples that He does not also require of Himself. He has demonstrated what love is. Christ faced temptations from the devil, the religious leaders, His disciples, and even His family. Sometimes those temptations came in the appeal to seek His own interests and welfare. Those voices said that Christ ought to turn stones to bread, avoid the danger awaiting Him in Jerusalem, and even to come down from the cross and save Himself. He resisted these in the strongest of terms. He would have no part of living for Himself, protecting Himself or insisting on His own way. Seeking His own interests would oppose the very purpose for which He came: to deny Himself in order to serve others.

Of all the people who walked this planet, it was Christ who could literally say, “The world revolves around me.” If anyone had the right to exert his way, press his will, and lay claim to the privileges of his position, it was Christ. Although He enjoyed the majesty of heaven’s glorious and eternal light and received the adoration of countless angels, He did not cling to them. Instead, He looked to our desperate need. He sacrificed what was His in order to obtain for us what was not yet ours. And because Jesus did not cling to what was His, there was a cost. Bearing the burden of our sin meant sacrificing His life. The religious leaders said, “Let him save himself” (Matt. 27:42; Luke 23:35). He could have easily done so, but because of His love for us, that is the last thing that Christ would ever do.

If Jesus would have delivered Himself, He could not have delivered us. If He had seized upon what was His, He could not gain what was promised us. He did not come to demand His rights; He came to meet the demands of righteousness. His heart was set upon us. This is what love is ready and willing to do, despite what it would cost Him. Nothing could hold Him back from fulfilling this great mission. Nothing could distract him from it: not Satan or Peter; not the agony in the garden nor going to suffer in Jerusalem; not resisting arrest or being tried or betrayed; not being condemned or beaten; not being mocked or spit on; not even death on the cross. In all of this, Christ did not just meet the demands of righteousness and the requirements of the eternal covenant. He met the demands of love—perfectly selfless love. The way to love is by taking up the cross and following in the footsteps of Christ. That is being your true self.