What If I Hate Myself?

Self-hatred is a crushing experience. A friend once told me that when his father was teaching him to shave, he said, “The hardest part of shaving every day is looking at the man in the mirror.” For those who struggle with self-loathing, that daily encounter can be profoundly painful. What, then, are Christians to do when they find themselves hating who they are?

First, we must clarify that self-hatred does happen. Some are confused by Paul’s statement in Ephesians 5:29, “For no one ever hated his own flesh.” Paul is speaking proverbially. Like the Proverbs themselves, he uses universal language to communicate a general truth. Generally speaking, people seek their own preservation. Yet in our fallen world, self-loathing—though not universal—is tragically real.

So how should a Christian respond?

First, look up.

Before we look inward, we must look upward. The triune God chose to act decisively for you. The Son took on flesh and was crushed—physically, emotionally, spiritually—so that He might redeem you (Isa. 53:10). The Father sent the One He loves most to suffer and die in order to have you (John 3:16). The Holy Spirit has chosen to dwell within you, never to leave or forsake you, even in your worst failures (Heb. 13:5). God does not make mistakes. Every person of the Godhead willingly embraced profound cost in order to be in fellowship with you. That has to count for something.

If you skip this step, stop and go back. You cannot move forward without being anchored here.

Second, listen honestly.

Once we have lifted our eyes to Christ, we can ask a hard but necessary question: Why do I hate myself? Is it because of what someone else has done to me or because of what I have done? Self-hatred often arises in relation to sin—but not always our sin. Sometimes it is the fruit of being sinned against; sometimes it is the result of sin we have committed.

If you are bearing the weight of another’s sin against you—especially persistent or formative sin—the path forward includes forgiveness and restoration. Forgiveness is often slow and costly, yet we are called to it (Mark 11:25). Words spoken early and often—“You’re worthless,” whether explicitly said or implicitly communicated—can lodge deep in the soul. Yet to continue granting those voices authority is to give them power they do not deserve. Forgiveness does not mean minimizing the harm. It means placing the injustice at the foot of the cross rather than carrying it yourself.

Restoration does not always mean reconciliation with the offender, especially if repentance is absent. Rather, it means reconciliation within your own soul. Part of you has accepted a false narrative and turned against another part of yourself (see Ps. 42, 43). The gospel restores peace between those divided parts, renewing your mind with Christ’s estimation of your worth.

If, however, your self-hatred flows from sin you have committed, the call is repentance (1 John 1:9). This is no easier, but it is clearer. The Holy Spirit may be pressing on your conscience, and that discomfort is a mercy. Satan tells us repentance is unnecessary before we sin and impossible afterward. Both are lies. True repentance humbles pride, cleanses the conscience, and restores joy. Begin by confessing to the Lord. Then, where appropriate, confess to those you have wronged. Repentance is painful in the moment but sweet in the long run.

After repentance comes abiding. Christ teaches that obedience flows from abiding in Him (John 15:1–11). We do not conquer sin—or self-loathing—by sheer willpower. We preach the gospel to ourselves daily, sometimes hourly. As we behold Christ’s grace, our strength is renewed, and obedience becomes a pathway to joy rather than despair.

Finally, remember what feelings are—and are not.

Self-loathing is a feeling. Feelings can alert us to truth, but they are not truth themselves. They can mislead as easily as they can guide. Feelings of self-loathing can arise from actual sin, a misinformed conscience, or crippling shame over our real or perceived weaknesses, limitations, and imperfections. Sometimes we shame ourselves for them; sometimes we’re shamed by others. Either can lead to self-loathing. When the heart falters, we must lean on the means God has given: His Word, prayer, worship, and service. We meditate, we cry out, we sing, we even lament. As we walk in these practices, our hearts often follow where our faith has already gone.

Dear believer, if you struggle with self-hatred, I hope you begin to see yourself through your Savior’s eyes. You are intricately made, deeply loved, and incalculably precious.