The Ways of a Father in Challenging Times
Fatherhood is full of challenges. Among the hardest is watching a wayward son or daughter —though raised in a Christ-centered home—walk away from the faith. Where do we turn?
The book of Proverbs offers encouragement and insight for navigating such perilous waters. It was inspired by the Holy Spirit,
To give prudence to the simple,
knowledge and discretion to the youth—
Let the wise hear and increase in learning,
and the one who understands obtain guidance (Prov. 1: 4–5).
A father’s hope for his child’s well-being is first communicated through godly instruction. The opening chapters of Proverbs exhort sons and daughters to “hear instruction” (Prov. 1:8); to “receive my words” (Prov. 2:1); to “forget not my teaching” (Prov. 3:1); to “hear, O sons, a father’s instruction” (Prov. 4:1); to “be attentive to my wisdom” (Prov. 5:1); to “do this, my son, and save yourself” (Prov. 6:3); and to “keep my words and treasure up my commandments” (Prov. 7:1). Have we done what we can to instill biblical truths in their hearts and minds?
Fathers should also analyze carefully the prodigal’s ways. Proverbs reveals three dangerous heart conditions: the simple _one _who forgets God, the scoffer who ignores God, and the fool who rejects God (Prov. 1:22). Each is progressively more hard-hearted, more impervious to spiritual truth, and more imminently in danger. The key is to discern which voices they listen to most closely. With whom do they walk, stand, or sit?
The simple are naïve, listening to voices of temptation and easily swayed by bad company. Wisdom shouts for the simple to see the outcome of their choices and abandon those habits or friends (Prov. 7:6–27). The scoffer is more arrogant, mocking sin and ignoring all godly counsel. Wisdom challenges this one to listen to his father’s rebuke lest he come to ruin, shame, and disgrace (Prov. 13:1). The fool steadfastly rejects God and despises His Word. Wisdom warns such a person that by turning a deaf ear he brings destruction to himself, and his end is the way of death. Pray for wisdom in knowing how (and how often) to speak the truth in love.
What other practical steps are fathers encouraged to follow?
Prayer
A father’s first and highest resource is bringing the child persistently to the throne of grace. John Yates, a seasoned pastor and father with many children and grandchildren, writes from experience: “Very quickly, children begin to teach a man about his own limitations, that he doesn’t have all the answers, and that he frequently fails as a husband and a dad. . . . This is the beginning of a whole new way of life called prayer.”1 Yates prescribes a very helpful resource—a prayer notebook to track specific needs and answers for each family member. The persistent prayers of a father avail much.
Penitence
A broken link in a lost or backsliding child’s spiritual walk might be the father’s fault. Have we told them recently how much we love them? Have we confessed humbly to them our own sins as a father? It is never too late for a genuine apology for angry or hurtful words or discipline that was lax, inconsistent, or overly harsh. Real men take the first step to ask for forgiveness.
Never give up. The wise father steadfastly pursues a genuine relationship to the extent the prodigal allows it.
Any confession is best delivered face-to-face, though a virtual conversation, phone call, or written note (in decreasing order) may be necessary. The note should be handwritten, as personal notes from your hand bear greater weight than an email or text message.
Patience
One pastor wrote an insightful book in 1876 about the Christian family. In it, he exhorts fathers to lead their flock with patience: “The object is not to break the will, but to educate it; not to bind its freedom by external force, but to teach it to control itself.”2 Allow time for the often-slow work of grace to restrain what is wild, capturing the child’s heart not by assault but by a gentle siege.
Pleasantness
In the meantime, don’t be a nag or an ogre. Speak the truth clearly, but not every time you talk. Use words (pre-planned) that express love, not anger; patience, not frustration. “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). Keep the relationship strong by pursuing fun activities together when possible. Ask the Lord for a welcoming disposition and creative ways to build new bonds, finding joy in shared experiences.
Perseverance
Never give up. The wise father steadfastly pursues a genuine relationship to the extent the prodigal allows it. Unconditional love says, “I love you no matter what you have done.” The best illustration is found in Christ’s parable of the prodigal son. The rejected father maintained a constant vigil for his lost son, watching the horizon daily for his return. When he saw the boy limping home, he felt compassion and ran to embrace him. He forgave the young man his wasteful dissipation and welcomed him back into the family, “and they began to celebrate” (Luke 15:24). Let them know you will always leave a light on.
In the end, fathers, commit yourself and your child into the Lord’s hands. Redemption is ultimately His work alone, and His hand is never too short to save.
