A Husband’s Integrity and a Wife’s Respect

Superficial attraction doesn’t produce respect—character does. Today, Sinclair Ferguson identifies a key characteristic for every faithful, fruitful Christian marriage.

This week on Things Unseen, we’ve been talking about family life. And yesterday, we were thinking about the family-life commandment, the commandment that focuses on honoring our father and our mother. I want to think with you today about another commandment, one that’s actually directed to wives, but its fulfillment is related to both husband and wife. I’m thinking about Paul’s teaching on marriage in Ephesians chapter 5:22–33. He says, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Actually, the verb that Paul uses here is the verb that’s often translated “fear,” but I’m sure Bible translators are right to translate it as “respect.” I’ll have more to say about this, but for the moment, here’s a major key to married life: a wife should respect her husband.

When couples have come to talk to me about marriage, I’ve always looked for this basic grace: Does she respect him? I don’t mean, Is she head over heels in love with him? On its own that could easily blind her to his faults. No, it’s respect that matters. And respect means trust. Respect means that his character leads you to believe that his love is true and that he will keep his word, that he’s faithful, that there are qualities in him that you feel you can appreciate and admire.

It’s the kind of sense that Ruth had about Boaz, isn’t it, that made her think he was the kind of man with whom she would be at home and safe and secure. It means that a young woman, or for that matter, an older woman, feels that this man will be my very best friend in all the world. Because you see, if you don’t respect him before you marry him, it’s very unlikely that you’ll respect him after you marry him.

There was a time in my life when I was teaching in theological seminary, when I found myself often at church conferences and hosted over a few days by a husband and wife. And one of the things I rather enjoyed secretly, I admit, was that while I was with them, I would try and work out why they had got married in the first place. What, for example, could I see in the husband that had caused his wife, when still a young woman, to respect him? And if you think about it, superficial things don’t produce that respect. They might produce attraction, but they don’t produce respect. You don’t respect someone because of their good looks or their bank balance, but because of their character. And it goes without saying that this presents a challenge to young men—and later to husbands—to be worthy of respect because of who we are as Christians.

Sometimes couples want to write their own marriage vows. Personally, I think it’s crazy to think that you can write better vows than people who were great masters of theology, had tremendous experience of marriage, and were skilled in the use of the English language. And some of these marriage vows I’ve read make sense to nobody but the couple, and they’ll sound trite in a year’s time. But having said that, I confess, I wouldn’t mind adding to wedding vows and before asking couples to take them, asking the groom this simple question: As you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, do you promise to live worthy of her respect? It’s not rocket science to see that when children live in a home where that is true, they’ll feel safe and loved, and they’ll also get a glimpse of the Lord Jesus.

Well, it could be that today some of us need to go back to the ABCs of married life and ask the Lord to help us to begin again, and we can thank God that He’s able to do that. I hope you’ll join us tomorrow on Things Unseen.